here it goes again(don't ask where I've been)

Shit.
It's been months.

I reached the point where I was okay with it, you know? The pains stopped and I wasn't sleeping half as much and I just felt so...healthy. And I don't regret it. I had my fat winter and gave my teeth a break, but it couldn't last.

So things have been looking really positive. And even when I mess up its fun seeing how long it takes to reach empty again. My clothes are a little big and I can see my hip bones again-nothing serious yet though. But I know my body and I know how it feels when I'm losing weight. All science and logic aside, I can feel it happening, even if it won't show for another couple weeks.

So yeah. Just wanted to update this to say that I found my way back.

Eli.

Know how I know I don't have an addiction?

Because it's too easy to quit.

Since my last post, I got really good with it again, then lost it, then back, and its been on-and-off.

Today, for example, if you knew what I ate you'd be disgusted.

Its weird. Nobody says I've actually gained too much back, but my the fat on my stomach and legs feels...firmer. Like all the empty spaces under my skin have filled up.

Anyways...it's always harder in the summer. I get so caught up in trying to convince people that I don't do it, that I end up not doing it. It's messed up.

I'll try harder from now on. Promise. There was this point yesterday when I was really gross about it(I'll spare you the nasty details, but let's just say there was blood) and I remember thinking, I'm okay with being this ugly right now if it means I won't be when other people can see me.

Encouragements:

-my pretty friends who want me to be pretty with them
-the beach
-getting tan and looking cute
-showing up those prissy anorexic chicks when school starts up back again(yes that is probably me just being jealous I know)
-running into kids who knew me when I lost the weight the first time forever ago
-liking myself again

Trying to get back on course(because I fell off the horse)

you can probably guess why I haven't updated this in so long. And I can't say I'm not ashamed-but its honestly not my fault.

You see, I was in a lot of pain for reasons that I will not disclose to a blank screen, and the medication I was on needed to be taken a ridiculous amount of times a day. Also, I had to eat something when I took it, or else I would throw up anyway and still be in pain. So there. Judge me all you want, but I still have my excuses.

Not quite back where I started. But I swear, you never realize how much weight you've lost until you gain it back.

Its been so weird lately, my stomach has been killing me for the two weeks I ate normal. How dare it forget how to disgust? Gawd, it's never there when I need it.

Things have been bad lately, in other news. Everything's getting out of whack. There are these two people...one is getting old faster than me, and the other is making me loook good. No one is where they belong, and I can feel myself falling into the same old competitions and the ugly little cracks.

This isn't an oh-my-god I have to do something anything freakout, or even a my whole world is crashing and I don't even care anymore breakdown. This is simply a fucked situation, and I am screwed and stressed.

This is one of those times you break every window in your house and scream until you can taste the blood.

I'll stop now before I scare anyone.

lovey-doveys,
eli

hitting a high

This is the fun part.
My mom congratulates me, me and my starving sisters share clothing, I can take off my hoodie in public again...I know its unhealthy for some people, and they get more insecure, but for me, its the only time I like myself.

I bought new black pants and some shirts, and I look great in them. life is so unbelievably good right, it amazes me. My goal is 13 more pounds-only lost like 10 or 15 so far. It's fine, I just have to start exercising more.

Highlight of my week:
My mom said you can see my ribs again.

It doesn't get better than this.

If you've never...

..laid out all the food in your house and marveled at how pretty it was

..chugged half a two liter of diet coke and took a deep breathe before the plunge

..and weighed yourself to see the difference in what you weigh before and after you threw up...

..then you don't know what you're missing.

and if you've never

..stayed up all night just to exercise

..felt proud when you don't eat

..or have never cried yourself to sleep over the way you look

then we would have nothing to talk about.

lovey-doveys, eli

hardcore(and keeping score)

There's only been two occasions in the last couple of weeks that I didn't throw up what I ate:
A) once at 1am, hadn't eaten all day and stayed up waiting for mom to come home with food but was too exhausted to do it
B) threw up once, then ate more, but my stomach was completing freaking out and my insides were all on fire and I really tried but couldn't do it.

convinced my friend to become bulimic. I am going to hell.
but it sure is nice to have someone to do this with me.

we've got a competition going, kind of like anorexic week-at first I got scared she was beating me, but I overreacted. she is still so new and doesn't throw everything up. it takes me three minutes(not always, but most the time) but now I have motivation, ya know?

we're like the toxic friends who make your life that much better.

but I exercised for over an hour yesterday and I pulled something in my arm really badly. I can't even straighten it. grrrrrr. well, here's to diet coke.

Places I Have Thrown Up At Lately
-bathroom on knees
-in bushes in woods
-in room into bowel
-bathroom, standing up
-bushes at side of house
-trashcan by side of house
-into bag in room
-into bag by side of house
(I sure provide lots of entertainment for the neighbors)

lovey-doveys,
eli

happy anorexic week

so I had a Truly Shitty Experience, and it was just what I needed to finally get back into it. My throat's sore-I've been throwing up almost everything. It sucks though, cause I'm feeling better now, so it's harder to stick with it. This week, me and my friend aren't eating, but I've sucked so far. I had to eat yesterday, and I couldn't throw up w/o my mom knowing. grrrr but at least I've been exercising. Gonna start running again soon. grrrr! I was doing so well last week. I almost want something bad to happen so I can feel horrible enough that I get sick if I even get near food. But all I can do now is stock up on benedryl so I can go to sleep at 5 so I won't eat.